THE BLOG
07/02/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

The Briefing The MTV Movie Awards Audience Should Have Received Before Kristen Stewart's Arrival

When Kristen Stewart walks in, let's all work as a team to make everything as comfortable for her as possible. Make sure the cushions next to you are fluffed. We're going to play some soothing music, probably Enya. The lighting will be lowered and scented candles will be lit. No abrasive scents, maybe a nice lavender. Does anyone have a puppy on them? A sleeping puppy in her lap would have a great calming effect. Feed the puppy a quarter of a pill of Vicodin about half an hour before she enters to guarantee that it won't wake up in the middle of her visit and startle her. This goes without saying, but no sudden movements. Obviously no one look her directly in the eye. For the love of God do not ask her any questions. Just, don't speak or make any noises. Seriously, guys. Now everyone appear to be relaxed. If you are relaxed, she will relax. Thank you to everyone who wore muted earth tones. Please, if you're wearing loud colors, cover yourself up. Certainly no red. Take off your red. When she enters, pretend like you don't know who she is. Look away. If she addresses you directly, talk about other things and give her some chamomile tea, which an usher will discreetly hand to you. Do not mention vampires or books or British people. Cover up all BandAids. If she sees a BandAid she'll think of blood and then of vampires and then of Twilight and then FUCK we're all going to feel supremely awkward. Her awkwardness permeates a space and makes sufferers of acute second hand embarrassment feel it all the more violently. If, when she accepts an award, she begins to be awkward, or calls out her own awkwardness, or handles her award in an awkward manner, look away. Look at the sleeping puppy. We'll have our cameras cut to the sleeping puppy as well. So, basically, play it FUCKING COOL, guys! DO NOT FREAK OUT OR YOU'LL FREAK OUT KRISTEN STEWART AND EVERYTHING WILL JUST BE FUCKED, YOU HEAR ME??? OK. I think we're ready. Here she comes. Game faces, everyone.