08/28/2012 12:57 pm ET Updated Oct 28, 2012

Hot Off the Press: God Is Female: Her Three Recent Visits

It has been all over the news, so you have probably heard. But, if you have given yourself a break from the news of late (if so who could blame you!) you have to hear this: God has revealed Herself, and yes, She is female; and She has decided to speak because She is quite pissed.

In her recent news release, God explained that She has been quiet for centuries, after speaking with frequency to luminaries like Moses and the Prophets. You see, She realized that what we know about psychiatry would make all She spoke to directly appear quite nuts. However, She went on to say that the three She revealed herself to seem to be, if not bonkers then surely out of it much of the time anyway. So She decided to come to them at various times. The fellows She has spoken to are the head of the Republican National Committee; What's His First Name Akin, the idiot candidate in Missouri; and then, the Republican candidate himself, Mitt Romney.

I won't waste time naming the head of the RNC, as even as those with this post have changed, they all sound precisely the same. Understandably, God is very unsettled by the Republican anti-choice plank in the platform. So She came to this guy (OK, this one's name is Reince Priebus) while he was shaving. Reince looked in the mirror and there She was, and She was as sarcastic as hell. Reince knew who She was immediately and started to really shake. And She said: "Put down your razor kiddo, or you will kill yourself. But listen up: "Pro-choice is pro-life. When a woman can't take care of another, she can't, get it! What she cares about is preserving her sanity and the life of the family she already has. Plus if she listened to you, you all would cut any services for her family sustenance. What is the matter with you people? Are you mean? Are you stupid? Are you both?'

The head of the RNC got very faint, and called out for his wife. Sally, who rushed to his side in front of the mirror, and hearing his tale, told him it was all a bad dream and to get right back into bed. But then She appeared in the mirror again, and told Sally in no uncertain terms: "Bad dream, my you know what!" So the head of the RNC and his Sally bolted into bed together for the first time in far too long, and pulled the covers over their respective heads.

Then, God decided to visit Todd (I remembered) Akin, just after he completed his latest video saying that he would not resign following his beyond idiotic and ludicrous assessment of "legitimate rape" and his adamant refusal to support abortion to end a pregnancy resulting from incest or rape. As you can imagine, God really got hot with him. There Akin was, walking up the driveway of his home, thinking about the lovely dinner awaiting him, when he fell flat on his back. And directly above him, he saw a gorgeous misty female shape (who he realized tripped him) in exceedingly shapely shoes, with thinly penciled heels. Oh how the Senate hopeful howled as one heel was placed and then pounded into the precise middle of one side of his family jewels. Oh, how he howled once more as God dug Her other heel in the other jewel region, mincing no words: "How dare you, you ignorant bum!" God exited, with Todd on the ground groaning, with intermittent yelps, "Help! I've been illegitimately assaulted," as She broke into song (to the tune of "Let Me Call You Sweetheart"):"Claire McCaskill's a winner..."

For Her third and longest visit, three weeks ago, God chose the candidate himself: Mitt and Ann were walking hand in hand on one of their myriad properties. (News reports did not specify precisely which one.) God decided to reveal Herself only to Mitt, keeping Ann in the dark, though she was there to witness her husband's reactions. "Halt," God said to Mitt, who for him was going at a rather a fast pace. Mitt stopped dead in his tracks: "Oh, my God. It's You." He hesitated, and then mumbled, a look of disbelief on his face, "You are Woman." "Of course, I am, darling," declared Ann. Honey, what is wrong? You look quite pale." "Not you, Her," said Mitt. "My religion does not sanction this, and neither would my Sunday School teachers!" Mitt told God, who stood before him, a bemused look on Her face." "Oh, my God," repeated the candidate again and again. "Mitt, what is wrong with you?" demanded Ann. God giggled.

"Now, Mitt," said She. "I well know and am pleased that your wife is in remission from MS, but have you ever considered all of those who cannot receive the care she has received"? "Under my plan," began Mitt... God intervened with one word (or is it two?), "Bullshit!" as well as a finger of fire on the middle finger of her right hand, which She held right under Mitt's two frightened nostrils. "Mitt, dear, there is a funny mist and peculiar odor coming from your nose," warned Ann. "Further," God continued, de-flaming Her finger, which She continued to wave, "Change that horrid Platform, the backbone of your party philosophy." Mitt's knees buckled. Ann was also pulled down, now screaming, "What is happening? Who are you talking to?" "Her," Mitt told his wife. Then ignoring Ann, knees now firmly on the ground, he asked Her: "How do I know you are who you say you are?"

"My response is two fold," said God, thoroughly enjoying this visit (and publicly deeming it Her very favorite of the three). "If I am not, you are truly nuts. But have you ever heard of tropical storm, verging perhaps toward Hurricane Isaac, whose name is right from the Old Testament?" "Huh?" said Mitt, as Ann called loudly for help. "As soon as I am sure that areas involved are on full preparedness alert and teamwork is in place," promised God," do envision empty Convention hours rich with delays, discord, disruption, painful memories, not to mention thousands of red umbrellas." Mitt repeated, "Huh," as Ann continued to call for help. Then She vanished, but Her song lingered," I am woman. Hear me roar..."