THE BLOG
10/26/2007 02:48 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Happy Birthday, Mrs. President!

Last time I told you I am a one-issue voter. Now I will reveal that issue. It is the candidate's astrological sign.

What, do you have some "better" issue you base your votes on? I'd like to hear it, then.

Face it, the zodiac issue is much more important than what the candidates say, do or believe. This is about character. The kind given to you by the position of the planets when you're born.

That's why no matter what happens, I'm voting for Scorpio Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, whose birthday is today! (Mine"s tomorrow!)

This astrologer has done Hillary's whole "chart." You should look at the results of his research so you can find out why you should "vote Scorpio, vote Hillary"! Everything you need to know is right in front of you. Unless she was born at 8:00 AM and not PM, but it doesn't really matter because all I care about is sun sign, anyway.

I'm not scientifically trained like an astrologer is, I don't know my trines from my ascendants. I just know what I know from being a Scorpio my whole life, which includes these truths:

SCORPIOS ARE INTENSELY PRIVATE

That is why after all these years we still don't know definitively what the deal is (so to speak) behind closed doors with Leo husband Bill and Scorpio wife Hillary. We Scorpios guard our own secrets with the utmost seriousness, and we'll guard your secrets too, if you want. Unless you cross us, then we'll use them against you to destroy you. Don't cross us! Vote Scorpio, vote Hillary!

SCORPIOS HAVE UNUSUAL IDEAS ABOUT FORGIVENESS AND PUNISHMENT

While still in Arkansas, according to Carl Bernstein (Aquarius) in his recent HRC biography, when she found out Bill was allegedly having affairs, she allegedly devised a plan to divorce him and then run for governor herself. Who but a Scorpio would come up with such an idea? It was only after Sagittarius Dick Morris conducted polls for her and told her she couldn't win that she dropped this alleged plan. Scorpios don't lose.

Oh, and if her current opponents think she'll give them cabinet positions in her administration, they're crazy. You ran against her and she'll never forget it.

SCORPIOS VALUE LOYALTY ABOVE ALL ELSE

I've read a lot about how the Clinton team is made up almost exclusively of people who have proven their trustworthiness to HRC over a number of years, and she always rewards that. I think that's nice.

JUST BECAUSE SCORPIOS ARE PARANOID DOESN'T MEAN THE WORLD'S NOT OUT TO GET US

Remember the "vast right-wing conspiracy"? Of course you do, and it's now plain to see that Hillary was correct. Her vision of things is accurate.

SCORPIO IS THE BEST SIGN IN EVERY WAY

Scorpios are good people to have in power, because once we've outgrown our gray lizard phase and become soaring eagles, our innate sense of cruel-but-fair justice and our lack of tolerance for pain-in-the-ass backtalk and meddling make us the kind of leader the world needs. Theodore Roosevelt, Douglas MacArthur, Bobby Kennedy, Condoleezza Rice, even Ralph Nader -- all of them Scorpios. (And don't forget Ted Turner and Bill Gates. And Larry Flynt.) Do you think that's a coincidence? A random occurrence based on the fact that there's a one-in-12 chance anyone is a Scorpio? Don't be a FOOL.

When it comes to Hillary, a lot of people like to throw around the "C word": Control. What's wrong with being in control? I don't understand. The above-mentioned astrologer says HRC "may need to loosen the reins ... and expose more of herself to gain the support she's seeking from the American public." I'm not sure what he means by this, because I already support her.

She doesn't need to expose more of herself.

I support her simply because she's a Scorpio, the best sign in the whole zodiac.

*****

HANDY BUT SUPERFLUOUS VOTER'S GUIDE TO OTHER CANDIDATES BY ZODIAC SIGN:

You can vote for whomever you want for whatever reason you want, but the smart money is on Scorpio.

Scorpio: Bill Richardson, Joe Biden;* Gemini: Chris Dodd, John Edwards; Taurus: Mike Gravel, Stephen Colbert (these two have the same birthday!); Libra: Dennis Kucinich; Leo: Barack Obama

*Note: Even if one of these two gets the nomination, of course I'll vote for Hillary anyway, because she is obviously a more powerful Scorpio, since she's beating these other Scorpios badly.