03/18/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Going Rogue: The Sarah Palin Chapter Outline

Tomorrow HarperCollins releases Going Rogue: An American Life, by Sarah Palin. Although the book clocks in at 432 pages, it's actually written in pencil on Big Chief tablet paper. Still, 432 pages is a long time to hear anyone go on and on about themselves. 432 pages of Sarah Palin? That's like 550 pages of Sean Hannity, or 678 pages of Newt Gingrich.

Frankly, I don't see how anyone is going to get through Sarah Palin's book. Surely some of the 8 million people who will buy Sarah Palin's book still haven't seen every episode of Mad Men? Anyway, to ease us through the coming weeks, when everyone will be talking about Palin's book but very few us will actually want to read the damn thing, I thought I would report its chapter titles, which I have taken from my advance copy:

Chapter Titles from Going Rogue: An American Life

1. The Early Years: Trial by Fire on the KTVA Sports Desk

2. How I Transformed Wasilla from a Sleepy Alaska Town to a Sleepy Alaska Town with a Wal-Mart

3. The Governorship of Alaska: It's More Than Just Accepting Gifts from Oil Executives and Appointing Friends to Cabinet Posts

4. It's Not Technically True That Todd and I Supported Alaskan Secession

5. Going Rococo: Todd and I Redecorate the Governor's Mansion

6. I'm Not Saying I Completely Believe in Demonic Possession, I'm Just Saying I've Seen it Happen in My Neighborhood Church.

7. How Alaska State Trooper Mike Wooten Destroyed My Life

8. Trooper Wooten Was a Menace and Needed to be Stopped

9. Here Are Ten More Horrible Things Trooper Wooten Did

10. Going Rouge: I Decide Against a Permanent Cheek Blush Tattoo

11. Letting Trooper Wooten Marry My Sister Was the Worst Mistake of My Life

12. When I Saw My Chance to Get Rid of Trooper Wooten, I Took It

13. Betrayal, Thy Name is State Public Safety Commissioner Walt Monaghan

14. If You Can't Fire Your Enemies, What's the Fun of Being Governor?

15. Todd is My Number One and He Always Will Be and I Love Him, I Do, and Anyone Who Suggests Otherwise or Says We Have Problems is a Vicious Liar

16. When You Get the Call, You Don't Blink

17. Why I Still Think it Was Right to Introduce Myself to America by Lying About My Teenage Daughter's Pregnancy

18. John McCain Seems Like a Really Hot Former Pilot With a Lot of Power But Let Me Tell You He Will Stab You in the Heart

19. Cindy McCain: Can You Spell "Jealous"?

20. McCain's Advisors: It's Like They Wanted Me to Fail

21. I Did Too Prepare for My Katie Couric Interview!

22. Being a Vice Presidential Candidate is Hard, and Lonely, and Sometimes It Seems Like Everyone Hates You, and Also Todd is Not Always There to Comfort You

23. Let Me Add That Steve Schmidt is a World-Class Dildo

24. Members of the National Press Corps: Not as Friendly or as Trusting as You Might Think

25. Accepting That the Failure of My Campaign Was Really Everyone Else's Fault

26. The Path Forward: Go America! Yay! Todd is My Number One and I Love Him! I Do! And Let's Never Forget the Imaginary Enemies Who Seek to Destroy Us, for Without Them the Republican Party Doesn't Have a Future, Amen!