Senator Barack Obama announced today that on his recent overseas tour he successfully negotiated a wide-ranging treaty with America's European allies.
According to the Illinois Senator, the treaty ends the use of torture in interrogations, closes the Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo prisons, outlines a plan for negotiations with Iran to end its uranium enrichment program, arranges for the United Nations to intervene to end the genocide in Darfur, increases international commitments to the conflict in Afghanistan, ends global warming, and eliminates the use of performance enhancing drugs in the Tour de France.
Obama said he also came close negotiating a final status accord between Israel and Palestine that also resolved the right of return, but that his trip was not quite long enough to complete that accord. "That's something we'll finish up during our first few months in office," Obama explained.
Obama said he hoped to present the European treaty to the Senate in August, for its ratification "sometime around the end of January," when Obama will be available, as President, to sign any implementing legislation into law.
Reacting to suggestions that his overseas trip was "presumptuous" and that he should have waited until after the election to negotiate wide-ranging treaties with America's European allies, Obama explained that he hadn't intended to enter into any international accords on this trip.
"This was supposed to be a chance for me to listen to learn," said the Illinois Senator. "The problem was, we got into these meetings, and we started discussing the issues, and we just thought, 'Hey, we're here, let's get something done.'"
Obama said it was remarkably easy to reach productive agreements with America's European allies on a wide-range of international issues. "Apparently," Obama said, "all someone had to do was talk to them."
European leaders, for their part, described how refreshing it was to encounter an American politician who had thought carefully about the issues, could speak eloquently to the value of a strong American-European partnership, and knew how to use verbs correctly.
"Forgive us, but we had sort of forgotten that American politicians could be so perceptive and so well-spoken," said French President Nicolas Sarkozy.
Ohio Senator and fellow Presidential contender John McCain reacted angrily to the news, overlooking the improvement in America's image Obama's trip had achieved, and the goodwill he might have fostered, and saying only that he was disappointed at Obama's failure to stage a 10-minute photo opportunity with wounded American troops during his trip.
"You can bet I would have been right there," McCain said, "shaking hands for the cameras and effecting a look of grave concern." McCain added that "No Pentagon bureaucrat is going to stop me from having a 10-second meeting with a wounded veteran in front of a press photographer. Not on this campaign."
When asked if he might have done more for American soldiers by opposing the Iraq War in the first place, McCain brushed off the criticism by insisting that Chekoslovakia is still a country and that the surge in Iraq caused North Korea to demolish its nuclear reactor. He then looked down at a note card and said, "Dorothy made it back to Kansas, didn't she? It's those flying monkeys. Just horrible." He was then led away by aides who reiterated their demand that Obama consent to a series of town hall meetings.
Meanwhile, the Obama campaign is looking into a possible run at the German chancellorship, depending on the result of the American presidential campaign. "We had 200,000 people in Tiergarten Park," one Obama adviser said. "That's huge, and it shows the chancellorship is well within our reach."