09/25/2013 12:48 pm ET Updated Nov 25, 2013

Top 8 Reasons Starbucks Doesn't Want Guns in its Stores

This may seem like a satire on Starbucks but it's really meant to make fun of gun nuts. I admire Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz for taking a stand against guns in stores. If you are so paranoid that you need to take a gun to go get coffee, you probably shouldn't be allowed to own a deadly weapon in the first place.

So without further ado, here are the Top 8 reasons Starbucks doesn't want guns in its stores:

8. Guns and caffeine don't mix.
7. Given all the mistakes that Starbucks baristas make with orders, having armed customers is a really bad idea.
6. The NRA canceled its contract with Starbucks to cater their annual conference and gave it to Dunkin' Donuts instead.
5. The oversized Dodge pickups fill up more than one parking spot, making it difficult for other customers to park.
4. Wayne LaPierre shorted Starbucks stock, betting that the price would go down, pissing off Schultz.
3. It's really difficult to ask someone carrying a gun not to steal all the Splenda packets.
2. The employees don't want to keep mopping chewing tobacco off the floors.

And the number one reason that Starbucks does not want guns in its stores:

1.It would have to scrap its plans to offer discounted espressos every week called 'Shoot Up Tuesdays'.

SERIOUSLY SKEWED is brought to you by Sanjay Sanghoee, a political and business commentator. For more satire, please visit