THE BLOG
12/17/2014 05:19 pm ET Updated Feb 16, 2015

What Delta Airlines' New Pricing Scheme Means for You

Lately, buying a ticket on an American air carrier has become a sport. This sport entails figuring out exactly what different pricing schemes mean, what the hidden fees are, and how exactly the airlines are screwing you.

Now, in a bid to create the most incomprehensible system of all, Delta Airlines has introduced a 5-tier pricing plan for their flights. At first glance the scheme seems to offer passengers more choice but in reality it's going to confuse them even more.

So, to help you understand what's going on, here's a guide that cuts through all the bullshit:

DELTA ONE : If you're shelling out the big bucks for this ticket, that means you are one of the chosen ones and will not only get edible food and free alcohol but be called "Your Highness" by the crew. You will also receive a complimentary foot massage, a blanket with your name monogrammed on it, and a personal valet who will read your in-flight magazine to you so you don't have to strain your eyes.

But the best perk of all will be that you can ask ANY passenger who is not also flying on Delta One to be removed from the aircraft at any time (including in midair) if you don't like how they look.

FIRST CLASS : Pretty much the same as Delta One minus the valet and the ability to throw other passengers out of the plane at 30,000 feet. Also, the vodka in Delta One will be Grey Goose whereas you will be drinking Tito's. Honestly, I would just bring your own booze (unless of course you are really looking forward to throwing your ex-wife's new husband off the plane).

DELTA COMFORT + - This one is all about leg room. If you actually have legs then you may want to pay the premium for this versus the next two tiers so you don't have to twist yourself into a pretzel just to stay alive on the flight. Delta may even give you two bags of peanuts instead of one and the stewardess will smile instead of giving you the evil eye. Woo hoo!

MAIN CABIN : This is what has always been called coach class or really the cattle class. This is pretty much how cows used to travel a long time ago, and now you can share the same experience on Delta Airlines. The idea here is to make you so miserable that you will gladly starve your children to pay for the next level in comfort.

If your legs survive the journey, your psyche will definitely not. Being aware of the limitations of this class, Delta also offers leg insurance, which is available at a reasonable annual premium. If you are unable to walk after the flight, the insurance company will pay you $5 to make you happy. Sounds like a great deal to me!

BASIC ECONOMY : Kill yourself. Kill yourself NOW. There is no reason to remain alive after you have traveled this way, or even possible to be alive after you have traveled this way. Delta will charge you additional fees for each body part you decide to bring on the plane. You can probably save some money if you leave your brain behind.

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