08/01/2013 05:30 pm ET Updated Oct 01, 2013

There's Something About Larry (Summers)

Little about Washington surprises me, but one thing I could not figure out is why President Obama wants Larry Summers as Fed Chair when Summers is the worst possible candidate for the job, except maybe for Alan Greenspan? Well, we now have an answer.

The following conversation was leaked by Edward Snowden's cousin, who is a waiter at the White House and felt the need to blow the whistle on a dinner between the two men:

Obama: You seem a little pale, Larry. Is it the trout? We can't afford fresh fish anymore because of the sequester.
Summers: I'll take care of the sequester as soon as you appoint me Chair of the Fed.
Obama: I appreciate that but I don't think you can repeal the sequester by yourself.
Summers: Trust me, Mr. President. If I could get the 60-year old Glass-Steagall Act repealed despite all logic and resistance from Clinton's own party, I can take care of the sequester.
Obama: Thanks. That's why I want you in that position so badly.
Summers (grumbling): I only wish Huff Post would stay out of this. They just seem to have it in for me.
Obama: Yeah. What the hell did you do to them, anyway?
Summers: Nothing at all! That's why I'm so confused. That guy Sanghoee is especially bad. He actually wants Robert Reich to be Fed Chair. Can you believe that?
Obama (chuckling): Yeah, that was a good one. Robert Reich. Why would I want to appoint a guy who is perfect for the job and who will fight for equality when I can just have someone who will do none of those things?
Summers: Exactly. The press doesn't understand how government really works. It's not about doing something - it's about not doing it so that you can keep talking about it through the next election cycle. Can you imagine what would happen if politicians actually did everything they promised?
Obama: People would just expect us to do even more. Why raise the bar on ourselves?

There is a pause while the two men finish their entrees. The waiter who is standing in the background (Snowden's cousin) steps forward to clear away their plates.

Obama: Larry, I'm having some trouble with women.
Summers: Maybe it's your kissing technique.
Obama (annoyed): No, I mean they are really upset that I am considering you for the Fed. They don't like your views.
Summers: Well, I'm not taking advice from a bunch of women. They are emotional, not as smart as us, and they think they should be treated as equals. If you want my advice, Mr. President, you should force Michelle to make you dinner every night. That will set a good example for the nation.
Obama: See, it's bullshit like that that makes it difficult for me to back you! You want to be a sexist pig, that's your business. But why can't you put a muzzle on it?
Summers: Fine, fine. I'll play nice with the hos.
Obama: You can't call them that, man! You're going to get the White House and the entire Democratic party killed with that nonsense. Plus, it's just wrong.
Summers: You're too gentrified, Mr. President. You should watch Fox News - that will fix you.
Obama: Show some respect, Larry. Otherwise I will go with Reich.
Summers: Sorry. I promise to treat women with respect from now on. In fact, my first day on the job I will wear a skirt to show solidarity with them.

Obama is about to explode but then dessert arrives. Obama is having fresh fruit while Summers smacks his lips at the sight of a huge piece of black forest cake.

Obama: Should you be eating that? It looks like something from the Cheesecake Factory.
Summers: Don't worry about it. Any man who can repeal Glass-Steagall, resist regulating the derivatives market, cause the biggest financial crisis in our history, and still not care, can handle some cholesterol.
Obama: So what will your first action be as Fed Chair?
Summers: That's easy. Shut down our bond purchases.
Obama: Don't be a fool. We can't just shut down $85 billion a month of bond purchases overnight. It will cause havoc in the markets!
Summers: Hmmm, you have a point. All right, I will not shut down the bond buying program but I will start buying bail bonds instead.
Obama (nearly choking on his food): Bail bonds??? What's wrong with you?
Summers: Hear me out. The markets need to think that we are buying 'bonds'. So we will continue to buy bonds, just different ones. Plus, by buying bail bonds, maybe we can create a Fannie Mae for that too and then Goldman can collateralize the bail bonds one day and turn them into CDOs.
Obama: Isn't that the same scam that crashed the market in 2008?
Summers: Sure, but by the time this happens, you will be out of office so why do you care?
Obama: I don't, but there's a good chance Hillary will be the next President so I don't want to mess things up for her.
Summers (going red in the face): A woman can never be President, Mr. President! They just don't have the talents that we men do.
Obama: Like what? To act like spoilt children and wage wars?
Summers: Anyway, I'm through discussing this topic. So am I your guy for the Fed or not?
Obama: Yes, but it's not going to be easy. The Democrats don't like you, women despise you, and HuffPost just wants you to move to another planet.
Summers (suspicious): That sounds like you might change your mind.
Obama (sighing): Not at all. I wish I knew how to quit you but I don't. So let's just hope that they never figure out why I really want to appoint you.
Summers: Not a chance. This mask I bought from a Hollywood special effects company is so good that they will never be able to tell it's fake.

At this, Summers reaches down and pulls off his face mask, revealing........Bill Clinton!

Clinton: I'm the master of disguise. I can handle anything.
Obama: You know I can't do this job without you, right?
Clinton: Of course. That's the magic of bubba. And as Fed Chair, I can bring my old policies back.
Obama: But are you sure your deregulatory policies were a good idea in the first place?
Clinton: They were for my presidency. I don't know about the next guy.
Obama: Or woman.
Clinton (chuckling): You think Hillary is a woman? I could tell you some ---
Obama: Stop! That's your wife, Bill! Anyway, whatever happened to the real Larry Summers? I never asked.
Clinton: Oh, he's out pretending to be Alan Greenspan.
Obama (frowning): Really? And where is Greenspan then?
Clinton: Pretending to be Ayn Rand -- playing dead the way he did for decades at the Fed.

SERIOUSLY SKEWED is brought to you by Sanjay Sanghoee, a political and business commentator. For more satire, please visit