10/10/2013 05:32 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Yea Though I Walk Through the Valley of Lice

It hath come to pass that a plague hath beset the Colleary family whereupon we were ravaged by lice. No, they were not any of the particular louses that Shannon hath, in the past, lain with like the Whore of Babylon.

No, no, this was a variety of louse that cares not with whom it beds down ...

And so it came to pass that Shannon called forth the mortal enemy of the average, ravening louse:

(That's right heretics, it's the badass hair fairies!)

And then came forth the most holy of head fairies to our salvation. Kendra and Mary (who may indeed be the mother of the baby Jesus).

Here Kendra and Mary work their miracles upon two disguised, mustachioed victims.

Four hours and two mortgage payments later the lice were banished to the Seventh Ring of Hell where they immediately fell upon Satan due to his lustrous head of hair.

(Back Satan, back ye I say!)

Meanwhile the long-suffering martyr Shannon (who had indeed been infected by her pestilent progeny) stripped all lice beds:

Soaked all lice brushes:

Labored to prepare a fabulous lice dinner:

Quaffed a few glasses of lice beverages:

Decided she probably deserved a lice dress from Boden:

And, as day passed into lice night, found a free-floating lice pill in her medicine cabinet.

She knew not from whence this pill cameth or what it was foreth, but yea she partook of it anyway.

She is not currently high from said pill whilst writing this post, although she would like to be. Unfortunately, like most saints, Shannon hath only been high twice in her lifetime (due to her fear of losing control) and even those two times she mutli-tasked; ironing pleated curtains, whilst doing calculus and erecting a bridge.

(the bridge to madness!!!)

Now the lice are gone but, much like an amputated limb, they still itch.