02/13/2013 03:14 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

How to Scare Off Mommy Mean Girls

One of the first things you hear when you are a new mother is, "You need mom friends," "You need friends with babies the same age as your baby," and, "Can you PLEASE only spend time with other mothers who have babies who are just as annoying as yours, so the rest of us don't have to listen to a choir of wailing newborns that like to projectile poop on the ceiling?!"

I am here to tell you that you don't need mom friends. Because the last thing you want to do after spending the whole day changing your baby's diapers is spend the whole night listening to your friend complain about changing her baby's diapers.

I prefer to hang out with my single friends and hear about their drunken escapades because it makes me realize that no matter what age we are, there is always going to be that jerk who takes off their clothes, runs around naked and, before passing out into a dead sleep, pisses in public. The only thing that changes is sometimes this is a drunk stranger you meet at a bar, other times it is your child, and eventually it's you in a nursing home.

But if you insist on making mom friends, please follow my guidelines for scaring off the mean girl mom and her underlings. When you are a new mom, the last thing you need to hear is how mean girl mom thinks that the reason her son started walking at 5 months old is because she makes homemade baby food with organic fruits and vegetables that she harvests in her garden at her vacation home in the Hamptons.

10. When mean girl mom asks where you vacation, say at Grandma and Grandpa's house. This will just confuse the hell out of her because annoying rich people don't understand the concept of staying with family. She will think, "Are her in-laws hotel maids? No, I bet her in-laws got bored during retirement and opened a quaint Bed and Breakfast in Bermuda."

9. When all the moms talk about how difficult it was to find a good nanny and what agencies they used, say you don't have one. That instead, when you want to go on a date with your husband, you just ask one of your friends from Alcoholics Anonymous.

8. When Mean Girl Mom asks what your child's father does, say your husband is a comedian, but you got pregnant during a really rough time in your life, so really your baby daddy could be anyone.


7. Put your child in rock band shirts. Extra points if the shirts have skulls on them. When people ask questions or give you back-handed compliments say, "Well, my daughter is a major Dead Head."

6. When all the moms talk about trying for baby number two, say you're not ready to be pregnant again because you don't want to give up boozing and smoking for another five whole months.

5. Show off your tramp stamp tattoo. When Mean Girl Mom asks you what the Chinese Character above your butt crack means, say you have no idea, because you got the tattoo when you were stoned.

4. Make sure all your social profiles are public and have tons of incriminating pictures. This is me drunk at my bachelorette party. I used to get mad at my sister for posting embarrassing pictures of me on Facebook. Now I encourage it.

3. When Mean Girl Mom invites you over for a play date, ask if you can bring your dog. Say he is a therapy dog that protects you from your stalker, whom no one but you believes exists.

2. When everyone shares their tips on how to make homemade baby food, brag that once you discovered your baby food blender was an awesome single-serve margarita machine you started to buy non-organic baby food from a STORE.

1. And the number one way to scare off Mean Girl Mom: When asked what you do in your free time, say you have a mommy blog where you write about EVERYTHING.

If, after following my advice you still meet a couple of moms who want to be friends with you, grab her mom card (a business card for moms who wish they were still climbing the corporate ladder). If she wants to be your friend it's because she has a wicked sense of humor. She will be the perfect date for a drunken night filled with shots, talking about how you really love your kids even though they drive you bonkers, and confessing that sometimes, you want to be the one who gets to cry, nap and shit yourself all day. Cheers!

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