05/26/2015 01:48 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Top Anti-Sleep Strategies (As Told By a 2-Year-Old)

I just turned 2 years old this month and I have learned a lot over these last two years. One of my areas of expertise has to do with sleeping... or more specifically, not sleeping.

Every toddler knows that sleeping is only a system put in place by mommies and daddies who want to watch something other than Paw Patrol. Sometimes they claim that they are going to clean up after I go to bed, but somehow the house is always just as messy in the morning.

Since we know that sleep is not necessary, the goal is to fight it with all our might. The key to avoiding sleep (either at nap time, bedtime, middle of the night, or early morning) is to prove that Mommy is not actually asleep. Mommies are good at faking sleep to avoid taking orders from you, but I have 10 simple tricks to make Mommy crack...

1. Hum a little tune. There aren't many things cuter than you humming your own song. Mommy will think it's so cute that she might even crack a smile; therefore, proving that she is awake and able to pay you attention.

2. Pick at her teeth. Mommy brushes your teeth so now it is time to get revenge. She is snuggling you close thinking that it will help you fall asleep so you have perfect access to pick at her teeth and scratch her gums. If she complains, it is her own fault for not trimming your fingernails.

3. Kick her. You don't need to kick her very hard -- sometimes less is more. Just fidget and kick Mommy enough to annoy her without actually hurting her. Annoyance is a very powerful tool!

4. Lick her face. This one is sure to get you some results! Mommy might just roll over, she might get angry, or if you're lucky, she'll laugh.

5. Jump on her. You might really have to throw your body weight around, but eventually you will get the signal that Mommy is awake. Sometimes she'll just roll over or tense up, but sometimes she'll open her eyes & acknowledge you!

6. Take off your diaper. If she doesn't notice right away, Mommy will definitely notice once you wet the bed. The downside to this one though is that Mommy will be too busy doing laundry to pay attention to you, you might be sentenced to a summer of footy pajamas.

7. Punch her. Mommies aren't as tough as toddlers so if you punch her in the jaw, you will definitely get a reaction. Keep in mind that Mommy might get pretty upset, but the goal here is to wake her up from her fake sleep. *bam* mission accomplished!

8. Find her belly button. Lift up her shirt, and then pick at her belly button. I'm not sure why Mommy hates this so much because it is so much fun, but this is another surefire way to get a reaction!

9. Bite something. Pretty much anything works! Pillows, blankets, shirts... even Mommy. Be sure to use the bite and tear method so that she worries about you tearing holes in things. This will get a stern "no. bite." but we all know that negative attention is still attention.

10. Arrange the bedding. If you start reaching for pillows and blankets then Mommy will think that you are ready to get comfy and fall asleep. She will actually wake up more to help you get comfier, and then you have your proof that she is in fact awake.

The beauty of these strategies is that 60 percent of the time, it works every time (Mommy really shouldn't let me watch Anchorman). With those kind of numbers, it is worth trying some (or all) of these anti-sleep strategies each and every night!

Worst case scenario: Mommy is more tired than you are awake, and you end up crashing for a few more hours.

Best case scenario: Mommy takes you downstairs, puts on Team Umizoomi, feeds you a chocolate doughnut, and snuggles you on the couch.

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