I was having dinner with a group of people and one of my friends would, every so often, straighten herself up, as if she was startled. I didn't say anything, thinking perhaps she was having some back pain or indigestion -- but I was wrong. It wasn't the sashimi salad that was causing her discomfort.
"I'm wearing this thing," she said. "It's a little device that straps to my bra, and whenever I start to slouch or slump, it buzzes and reminds me to sit up straight. I'm finding that as I get older, I am slouching a lot more."
I was fascinated. It sounded like it would be annoying, but if it gets her to sit up straight, who am I to judge? I spent a ridiculous amount of time telling my daughter to sit up straight when she was growing up. This thing would have been a big help. Nearly everyone could use a little help with better posture, and at my friend's and my age, bone health is something to pay attention to.
I started to think about other contraptions that we could wear that would be useful for improving our lives. There are the ubiquitous fitness bands that so many people (including my friend who slouches) wear, but what else would be helpful?
- Don't Put That In Your Mouth -- a device that sends the odor of skunk up your nose whenever you are tempted to eat just one more cookie or potato chip.
- Don't Say It -- a doohickey that temporarily stops your powers of speech when you're about to criticize your adult kids.
- Don't Open It -- a thingamabob that sends out high-pitched squeals from your wallet when you walk into Nordstrom or Target for no good reason.
- Don't Say Yes -- a widget that seals your mouth shut when someone asks you to do something you really don't want to do but feel like you should.
- Don't Watch That -- a gizmo that automatically turns off the television when something not worth your time comes on.
- Don't Bitch and Moan -- a gadget that pokes you in the ribs when you complain about getting older. You're still here, aren't you?
- Don't Say No -- When your significant other is in the mood and you're not, this little thingy will get you there. (Sounds like a vibrator, I suppose.)
- Don't Pay Attention -- When people around you are bragging, boasting, or being otherwise rude or insensitive, this item will virtually stick your fingers in your ears and go "na-na-na-na" so you can't hear what they're saying.
- Don't Be a Jerk -- A contraption that will give you a swift kick in the ass if you are the one being obnoxious.
- Don't Fall Asleep -- Are you prone to dozing off at the movies or during dull conversations? Do your books never get read because your eyes close after a page or two? This little wonder will shout "WAKE UP." It's bound to be a bestseller.
Previously published on Empty House Full Mind
Earlier on Huff/Post50: