12/17/2013 11:26 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Wanted: Personal Assistant

Stressed-out mom seeks lackey to tend to important tasks. Must be able to:

  • Be my text messaging bitch while I am driving. For the life of me, I can't get my phone to understand me when I'm talking -- No, phone. I mean "sing," not "saying," and why in the world would I ever send a message that reads, "No spores in the tell a home huh haved s*** me?"
  • Do the laundry and put clothes away properly folded. ALL shirts of mine are meant to be hung dry due to shrinkage in the dryer and subsequent belly fat exposure -- not that I'm admitting to having belly fat. (The SPANX gets hand-washed).
  • Fetch me a new pair of socks when I step in something wet.
  • Figure out why the floor is wet and remedy the situation.
  • Pose for Christmas Card photo, print cards, sign cards with touching personal messages, address them and put them in the post.
  • Check on the kid who just called for me while I'm in the middle of having sex with the hot-as-hell-hubby.
  • Supply me with an endless list of entertaining stories and jokes to entertain people with at Christmas parties.
  • Scratch that spot on my back I can't reach. Up. To the left. A little to the right. Down a smidge...
  • Brush my little girl's hair so someone else can make her cry every morning.
  • Fill my car with gas when it is needed. The gas pump handle is SO cold these days.
  • Finish my Christmas shopping -- with your own money.
  • Wrap said Christmas presents beautifully.
  • Find my sunglasses.
  • Make my bed every day, as I've stopped doing this since I began working full-time.
  • Provide me with interesting things to write about, and sign over intellectual property of all clever ideas.
  • Make a kick-ass gingerbread house that looks like the witch's cottage from Hansel and Gretel so that I can look like all the other awesome moms on Pinterest.
  • Write down the endless "To-Do" lists and article topics that I think up while waiting on sleep to close my eyes. I never write them down because they're always so important and awesome that I'm sure I'll remember them the next day. (I never do).
  • Cook breakfast -- one that a trucker would order at Waffle House. Make it scattered, smothered and covered.
  • Massage my feet.
  • Take my vitamins for me.
  • Reupholster the living room furniture.
  • Take down all the Christmas décor and store it all away neatly.
  • Take upon your own body all the excess holiday weight I may feel like putting on.
  • Make me a hot cup of tea eight minutes after it is requested. No excuses or substitutes will be tolerated.
  • Assist with the keeping up of appearances that I am an amazing-wunderkind-super-mom-and-wife. Swear to keep the secrets of the dirty floor, messy kitchen, kids' tardy slips, chicken nugget suppers, half-assed play dates due to exhaustion, quickies in the bathroom due to lack of alone time with the spouse, pony tail days to prolong hair-washing and styling, T.V. Babysitting, binge coffee drinking and number of M&Ms eaten in a day.

This is an unpaid gig, but I can compensate in "saying" songs to you for the rest of your life, That is, if I can acquire a personal assistant to take care of everything I need to do while I'm singing to you.