Michael Jackson's autopsy results were made public earlier this week and everyone is shocked that he was "fairly healthy." For me, the biggest shock was that he weighed 136 pounds. Yeah, that's skinny but not scary skinny. My money was on 120 pounds. The coroner's report confirmed Jackson's weight was within an "acceptable" range for his 5' 9" frame.
I know the plight of the skinny dude. I'm 6 feet tall and weigh 142 pounds. I get the same flak that Jackson got. Folks presume I either have anorexia, tapeworm, or am a member of the Calorie Restriction Society (check it out; it kinda makes sense).
Being a skinny dude is a heavy cross to bear. Jackson knew it all too well which is why he diverted attention by maiming his face. That King of Pop was tricky. If they're talking about your freaky face, then no one will mention your scrawny body. I should have thought of that when I was getting my skinny ass kicked in high school.
Skinny dudes will always get the last laugh, though. Sure, we might get beat up in a bar fight but we have one thing going of us. WE'RE NOT FAT! This is a fat country. America could use more skinny dudes. We rock harder, get more chicks, and only need one airplane seat in coach. You won't see us on "The Biggest Loser" because we're too busy on stage. Skinny dudes get to be in rock bands or call themselves the King of Pop.
So stand tall, my skinny brothers. The next time some Overeaters Anonymous drop out gives you grief, tell 'em you're thin like Michael Jackson. It's an exclusive club. A way of life. He died fairly healthy and so will you. As long as you stay away from the Propofol.
My wife has a theory, which apparently is held sacred by many females: everyone needs to choose between their butt or their face. Put on some pounds and safe the face. Keep the butt lean and sacrifice looking gaunt as you reach your upper years. Iggy chose the butt. He's 62, skinny, scary, and cool.
My wife has another theory: skinny dudes who are also ugly get better with age. When you're skinny, ugly, and twenty it's just short of tragic. Ugly and 66? People think you're a funky-looking 50 year old who's in good shape. And Mick Jagger is in good shape.
Both of the wife's rules apply here but I can't say anything for two reasons. First of all, Ashcroft is too damn cool to disrespect. I'd break my nose and drop ten pounds if it would put me halfway in his orbit. Plus, he's my wife's Facebook friend and I don't want get in the way of that mess.
INXS' late leader was skinny chic to the end. Could a dude over 145 pounds move anywhere nearly sublimely? Or get away with wearing a pair of plaid pants? I rest my case.
Jet's lead singer is another skinny Aussie like Hutchence. Like so many skinny dudes, he uses bellbottoms to hide his popsicle stick legs. Skinny dudes can never wear shorts.