02/02/2015 01:07 pm ET Updated Apr 04, 2015

Halftime Show 'Shark-Gate' Is a Pack of Lies

Rob Carr via Getty Images

As I'm sure you're all aware, one of the sharks in Katy Perry's halftime show danced badly and the other one danced well. Or did they?

Above is the clip, which has sparked numerous online stories and even an unfunny Twitter account about how bad the left shark was at dancing.

But this is an emperor-has-no clothes situation. People are claiming the left shark is terrible at dancing or forgot the routine only because they've heard other people say that and they don't want to look stupid.

When I first heard about this trumped-up scandal, I assumed that Perry must have been doing some dance moves and one shark was carefully following along and the other one was totally lost. But that's not the case. Perry isn't dancing. There is no baseline choreography on which to judge the two sharks.

Who knows if they had a set list of moves they were supposed to do?

Also, even if there were, is the left shark really dancing that differently from the right shark? Of course not.

Finally, how good would it be if Katy Perry had transformed herself into one of those beach balls?

That would have been amazing. I thought the beach balls were the best part.

The next time someone sarcastically tells you that the left shark is "the real MVP" or the "true hero" of the Superbowl, please tell them they're wrong and that this viral sensation is a complete fabrication.