05/13/2013 05:09 pm ET Updated Jul 13, 2013

Muslim Socialist Terrible at Destroying America

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We can of course take it on faith that Barack Obama is a Muslim socialist bent on destroying America. That faith rests, after all, on the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck, who couldn't possibly be rich con men selling made-up hysteria, because really, what evidence is there for that?

So, given that any reasonable person can plainly see that our president is in fact trying to lead us to ruin, here's the good news: he's really, really bad at it.

Just consider Exhibit A: despite his every effort to bring down capitalism, Obama has presided over a doubling of the stock market, with the Dow hitting an all-time record of 15,000 on Tuesday. Meanwhile corporate profits have risen at the fastest rate since World War II.

It's quite possible, of course, that he timed that Dow record deliberately to embarrass the right wing Capitol Hill Daily, which sent out an email the same day calling for Obama's impeachment for, um, wrecking the stock market.

Yes, that's probably it.

But then there's Exhibit B: more evidence of the sheer incompetence of our America-hater. As the Wall Street Journal reported Friday, the deficit is falling so fast that it's throwing the next round of debt-ceiling brinksmanship off-schedule, because the debt ceiling won't be hit soon enough.

What a screw-up by Obama! As the Journal's editorialists have warned us for years -- and let's remember, they're never wrong -- his goal has been to spend us into bankruptcy. But after inheriting a minus 1.4 trillion dollar running start from George W Bush, Obama has been haplessly shrinking it ever since.

Exhibit C: the financial crisis bailouts, which we know, thanks to Fox News' commitment to the highest journalistic standards, were designed for the government to take over banks and car companies while throwing away taxpayers' money as fast as possible.

Well, Mr. President Lefty Pants, it turns out that your scheme has ended up costing taxpayers far, far less than projected, and in some cases is making us big profits.

Meanwhile your minions have been selling the government's shares in bailed out corporations -- again, often at a profit! -- and soon the government will own none of them. Hah! Some takeover!

Of course, this is all just the Socialist side of destroying America. What about the terrorist-loving Muslim side? After all, no less an authority than Texas Congressman Louie Gohmert knows for a fact that Obama's administration is under the sway of the Muslim Brotherhood. And Beck is all over the government conspiracy to help the Real Boston Bomber escape, which, as Beck fans well know, is made only more credible by the mysterious absence of evidence.

And so to Exhibit D. Somehow, in the course of helping his fellow jihadists, Obama has killed not only Osama Bin Laden, but so many other senior Al Qaeda leaders that we're almost all out of them. And they say Gerald Ford was clumsy?

I could go on (and believe me, the remaining 22 letters of the alphabet tempt me to). But for now, suffice it to say that our great country can rest easy.

Because if Barack Obama keeps bungling his efforts to destroy America like this, who knows what heights we might reach?