02/27/2014 12:29 pm ET Updated Apr 29, 2014

The 2014 Academy Awards (Sort Of)

Warning: This parody contains frank language and images of Shia LaBeouf. Parental guidance is suggested.

(INT. DOLBY THEATRE - Angle on Shia LaBeouf wearing diapers and shouting, "Baby's no longer in show business! Baby's been bad!"; cut to producers Neil Meron and Craig Zadan doing last-minute preparations for the musical salute to 12 Years a Slave, with Vanilla Ice and Maureen McGovern singing "Working On a Chain Gang"; cut to Harvey Weinstein vowing to never again make a movie with violence, smoking, or dialogue that uses words with consonants or vowels)

Announcer (voice-over): Welcome to the 2014 Academy Awards, an evening of one-percenters fellating each other! And now, the new President of the Motion Picture Academy...Piers Morgan!

(Piers Morgan enters, vigorously pursing his phone-hacking British lips; cut to Martin Scorsese preparing the 18-hour "Really, This Is the Super Duper Extra Official Director's Cut" DVD of The Wolf of Wall Street, with seven months of extras including footage of Scorsese sleeping, paying phone bills; cut to the NFL penalizing Quentin Tarantino's newest leaked script 1500 yards for continued use of the N-word and for continued arrested movie geek development)

Piers Morgan: Once again we salute artists who prove their understanding of and connection to the common man by spending half a billion dollars on The Lone Ranger and After Earth. And now, because any sentient being is preferable to Seth MacFarlane...Ellen DeGeneres!

(Ellen DeGeneres enters, doing the frug; cut to fanboys still furious about Ben Affleck starring as Batman and swearing they will only see the new movie ten times each as a sign of protest; cut to Armond White, yelling obscenities at Quvenzhané Wallis and explaining how Grown Ups 2 is better than Grand Illusion, Citizen Kane, and The Seven Samurai combined)

Ellen DeGeneres: Wow, I can't believe how many stars are here tonight. I mean movie stars, of course, not stars like Epsilon Carinae and Zeta Pegasi, although wouldn't that be weird if stars acted with stars like Jennifer Lawrence and Delta Sagittarii or George Clooney and Polaris Australis? I wonder who would get first billing. Are my socks too tight? Do rainbows dream?

(DeGeneres dithers away, then falls into the orchestra pit; she is immediately replaced by the corpse of Bob Hope)

Corpse of Bob Hope: This is Bob "I'm colder than an audience watching 3 Days to Kill" Hope! How 'bout that Grim Reaper? He's wild. He's bonier than Keira Knightley during Ramadan! Hey, how 'bout Salma Hayek's brother? He's a worse driver than Bing at the Desert Classic! Grrrowl! The nominees for Best Supporting Actress are Sally Hawkins, Jennifer Lawrence, Lupita Nyong'o, Julia Roberts, and June Squibb. And the Oscar goes to...Lupita Nyong'o!

(Lupita Nyong'o goes to the podium; cut to Bruce Dern, telling old stories about working with Kazan and Hitchcock that are more entertaining than anything you'll actually see at the Oscars; cut to Shia LaBeouf, dressed in a Barbarella outfit, reciting from Green Eggs and Ham; cut to Roger Deakins, who has fewer Oscars than Three 6 Mafia, realizing that at least he's not Kevin O'Connell **)

Announcer (voice-over): And now, because we are told it must be so every hour on the hour: the next President of the United States...Hillary Clinton!

(Hillary Clinton enters; cut to thunderous standing ovation from same people who dumped her for Obama in 2008; cut to Mia Farrow suggesting that Frank Sinatra is Justin Bieber's father; cut to Amy Adams as many times as possible; cut to Harvey Weinstein vowing to never again make a movie with actors, lights, or cameras)

Hillary Clinton: The nominees for Best Supporting Actor are Barkhad Abdi, Bradley Cooper, Michael Fassbender, Jonah Hill, and Jared Leto. And the Oscar goes to...Jared Leto!

(Jared Leto goes to the podium; cut to the longest, saddest death reel in Academy history and a reminder that so many of our films today suck so very, very badly; cut to Luise Rainer and Olivia de Havilland taking bets on which one of them will outlive Amanda Bynes; cut to Democrats dumping Hillary Clinton for Scarlett Johansson's voice in Her)

Announcer (voice-over) And now, an actor whom other award-seeking actors are grateful didn't make a movie this year...Daniel Day-Lewis!

(Daniel Day-Lewis enters; cut to Mr. Moviefone working on a tech support line in Bangalore; cut to anyone who saw We're the Millers because, yes, you're responsible for extending Jennifer Aniston's movie career by at least five more years; cut to Alec Baldwin trapped in the hotel room from "Oldboy" until anyone can figure out what to do with him ***)

Daniel Day-Lewis: The nominees for Best Actress are Amy Adams, Cate Blanchett, Sandra Bullock, Judi Dench, and Meryl Streep. And the Oscar goes to...Cate Blanchett!

(Cate Blanchett goes to the podium; cut to audience members texting their publicists and life coaches to see if it's okay to applaud since that might inadvertently suggest they're supporting Woody Allen; cut to a disconsolate Amy Adams and her fabulous side boob comforting themselves in the arms of Spencer Green; cut to Downfall meme with Hitler upset about "Alone Yet Not Alone" being disqualified for Best Original Song)

Announcer (voice-over): And now, an actress who seems like a spontaneous, genuine person which, in Hollywood terms, is a threat to the very fabric of existence as defined by the Industrial-Media Complex...Jennifer Lawrence!

(Jennifer Lawrence enters, drowns a family of kittens, and is even more beloved; cut to Bruce Vilanch standing on the North 101, wearing a sandwich board that reads: "WILL WRITE FACE-LIFT JOKES FOR FOOD"; cut to a montage of people watching montages; cut to Mia Farrow, suggesting that Frank Sinatra is June Squibb's father)

Jennifer Lawrence: The nominees for Best Actor are Christian Bale, Bruce Dern, Leonardo DiCaprio, Chiwetel Ejiofor, and Matthew McConaughey...and the Oscar goes to Matthew McConaughey!

(Matthew McConaughey goes to podium and recites all of Allen Ginsberg's Howl; cut to Liam Neeson, who was once an actor; cut to Gawker leaking Terrence Malick's latest script Four Hours of Women Twirling; cut to anyone who knows how Neve Campbell is doing 'cause I'm just wondering)

Announcer (voice-over): Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome...Vladimir Putin!

(Vladimir Putin enters; cut to the one person who still gives a shit about Gwyneth Paltrow or Vanity Fair; cut to Jonah Hill, almost forgiven for Allen Gregory; cut to the 1500th parody of Her, with George Takei as the voice of the operating system)

Vladimir Putin: I came to denounce your decadent, stinking awards ceremony, but being here makes me realize:!!

(Vladimir Putin covers himself in body glitter, vogues with Ellen DeGeneres; cut to choreographers and gay teamsters across the world leaping into the air, deploying jazz hands; cut to pro- and anti-Arizona Senate Bill 1062 activists hugging; cut to Israelis and Palestinians hugging; cut to Edward Snowden sneaking onstage, switching the Best Picture results so Grown Ups 2 wins)

** O'Connell is a sound mixer who has been nominated for an Oscar -- and lost -- twenty times
*** the original version, not the Spike Lee remake