07/12/2013 03:30 pm ET Updated Sep 11, 2013

After George Zimmerman Trial Is Finished, CNN Will Air Permanent Fireplace Yule Log Video

Cable News Network announced that, following the conclusion of the George Zimmerman trial, it will run a fireplace Yule log video 24 hours a day until further notice. "The Yule log will be a gentle, soothing image for viewers who are exhausted from the trial and potential riot coverage," said CNN Associate Mortician Melanie Hotspur. "Also, we can't imagine anything topping the trial, so what's the point of trying? I mean, the economy, revolution in Egypt, crashing planes, government spying, blah blah blah -- yawn!"

Some executives at CNN are suggesting that the Yule log be broadcast permanently, as part of the network's ever-changing attempts to broaden the definition of what constitutes news. "We believe the next era of news will involve viewers reading about current events on the Internet and then projecting their own thoughts and opinions about it onto a televised Yule log," said Morton Galladyne, CNN Chief News Broadener. "And CNN will be there with the warmest, most inviting, most comprehensive image of a wood burning fireplace and Yule log imaginable."

Television insiders also point out the benefits for CNN in terms of production costs, with Hotspur adding, "The ratings for the Yule log should be about the same as what we're getting now."

NOTE: This piece is satirical. All quotations are fabrications for the purpose of satire.