05/07/2014 03:28 pm ET Updated Jul 07, 2014

All College Commencement Speakers to Be Replaced by Unfinished Wooden Blocks

In an attempt to avoid any kinds of potential controversy, all colleges in the United States will be replacing commencement speakers this year with unfinished 7/8" wooden blocks. "We don't want to take the chance of upsetting the delicate sensibilities of any students, faculty members, or future automatons," said Horace P. Ollhurst, President of Wossamatta University. "We think everyone will enjoy these wooden blocks which are made from domestic hardwoods like maple, birch, oak, and poplar, and represent the sturdiness of the members of our graduating classes."

A statement has already been issued by The Coalition Against Commencement Wooden Blocks (CACWB), which criticizes the commencement decision for negative social constructs. "For starters, the rough edges on these blocks have not been sanded--which promotes an aggressive, warlike agenda," said CACWB Prime Agitator Robin Kirranum. "Also, limiting the form of these objects to blocks and cubes is the worst kind of shapist, quadrilateral-culture bias imaginable. And don't get me started on the rampant gender implications of 'wood.'"

One of the wooden blocks scheduled to appear at Rutgers University was asked to comment. On behalf of the block, spokesperson David Tuliop said, "It's a fucking piece of wood."