07/24/2013 10:49 am ET Updated Sep 23, 2013

Anthony Weiner's Penis Detaches From His Body, Enters NYC Mayoral Race

In an unusual development, the penis of former U.S. Representative Anthony Weiner has detached from his body and officially announced its candidacy for mayor of New York City. "I've been the guiding force behind most of Weiner's decision making for the past few years and I don't apologize for any of my actions," said Weiner's penis at a press conference this morning. "Hell, I'd do it all over again -- and more. Much, much more. Brother, you have no idea how much, much more. Anthony Weiner won't tell you that, but I will!"

Weiner's penis will be running on the slogan, "Bend Over, New York!" which Weiner's penis' campaign manager Gregg Yullrickle describes as "signaling a new era of honesty in American politics" and notes, "Weiner's penis is the essence of most living male politicians, without the mealymouthed apologies or the laughable pretense of having to appeal to constituents." Weiner's penis elaborated, "I promise nothing and I don't give a shit about what any of you think because I only care about my own immediate, insatiable needs. And only a mayor as openly hostile to its constituents as I'll be can truly get the job done in New York."

Weiner's penis concluded the press conference by saying, "I'm finally out in the open. And let's face it -- you want me. You deserve me. Now, bend over 'cause here I come!"