05/21/2010 05:23 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Approved Textbook Changes from Texas School Board of Education

- Colorful introduction by McGruff, the History Dog

- Great Depression now caused by Christopher Hitchens

- More recipes for homemade pralines and green chile stew

- Phyllis Schlafly discovered fire

- Students required to compare the "free enterprise system" to "Godless motherfucking Commie shithole theories that will murder you and your family in your sleep"

- Chapter detailing series of romance novels Jesus wrote under the pseudonym Gwen Callie Fortune

- Separation of church and state proven wrong through charming pop-up chocolate-peanut butter analogy

- President Obama referred to as "To be determined"

- All references to Vietnam and slavery replaced by 1928 Felix the Cat test pattern

- Thomas Jefferson referenced only for design of early pasta machine

- Students must evaluate efforts by global organizations to undermine U.S. sovereignty with constant remakes of foreign films and British sitcoms

- Writings of Upton Sinclair, Susan B. Anthony, and Ida B. Wells replaced by Chicken Soup for the Soul series

- Description of U.S. government changed from "democratic" to "doublebubblicious"

- Phan Thi Kim Phuc running after napalm attack photoshopped with soothing image of Sandra Bullock