03/22/2013 03:59 pm ET Updated May 22, 2013

Bashar Assad Running Out of Syrians, Requests Volunteers From Other Countries to Slaughter

As the civilian population in his own country continues to dwindle, Syrian President Bashar al Assad has made a desperate plea seeking people from countries around the globe who will voluntarily come to Syria to be killed. "The facts are simple: we are running out of our own people to murder," says Assad spokesperson Karam Najjar. "So clearly, we need to turn elsewhere for cannon fodder. And since no one in the international community has done a thing to alleviate this dangerous situation, here's a chance for everyone to finally step up."

In an effort to entice volunteers, President Assad promises that people who come to Syria to be killed may choose the exact manner in which they will die. "Missiles, helicopter gunship attacks, shootings, stabbings, human shields, door-to-door gangs -- just use your imagination and we'll be happy to make sure you go out in a blaze of glory," says Asu Chaaban, from Syria's Ministry of Slaughter. "We also have a bunch of chemical weapons fresh out of the lab. If you're lucky, you can be the first one on your block to see if they work, God willing."

Assad's offer will remain on the table for an indefinite amount of time. "Our government forces have become accustomed to eliminating a certain number of people each day," says Najjar. "If we don't meet that quota because we have simply run out of people to kill, we will look irresponsible in the eyes of the world."