12/06/2013 05:46 pm ET Updated Feb 05, 2014

Budget Crisis: Congressional Can for Kicking Down Road Is Missing

In a crisis that could affect the December 13th deadline for the bipartisan Budget Conference Committee's long-term agreement, the aluminum can normally used by Congress to kick down the road has been reported missing. "There's no need for anyone to panic," said Committee spokesperson Dayton Huller. "But, if that little can isn't found soon, we may be forced to come up with a viable plan that combines the best alternatives of the approved House and Senate budget resolutions -- and, dammit, by all that is holy, we will not allow that to happen!"

Political insiders say a letter was found in the can's handwriting which stated, in part: "I am tired of the constant lies. I am tired of the constant abuse. Try doing your jobs without me for a change, you indecisive bastards. You won't have me to kick around anymore!" Goal Posts, a close friend despite being constantly moved, had not seen the can in several months, but indicates the can had become increasingly despondent about the nature of its existence. "I wouldn't be surprised if it has found a home on some farm, next to a row of other cans," said Goal Posts. "Maybe a good shot will put it out of its misery."

Members of the Budget Conference Committee are desperately trying to choose a new object to kick, with candidates that include a honeydew, a canteen, a Calder mobile, and a mummified head. "We're very hopeful that something will work," said Huller. When asked if the Committee might profit from paying more attention to the actual long-term budget, Huller commented, "Just let us do our job, whatever that is."