03/05/2012 03:34 pm ET Updated May 05, 2012

Church, State to Fight in Pay-Per-View Deathmatch

The long-awaited battle between Church and State will finally be played out this April at the MGM Grand Garden Arena, in a live winner-take-all, HBO pay-per-view contest that is being dubbed "The Collision About Religion." Fight promoter Harley Levinstott says, "This promises to be a very exciting contest and we expect ratings to equal or surpass last year's Capitalism-Socialism Smackdown."

The super-heavyweight opponents will adhere to rules established by the Mixed Secular-Scriptural Arts Commission, which encourage invoking the Ten Commandments, using the Lord's name in vain, extreme prayer, and teaching evolution only, along with eye gouging, groin attacks, and heel kicks to the kidney. A confident State reportedly quipped, "What happened in Bosnia and Herzegovina/Ain't nothin' compared to what I'll do to Church at the Garden Arena."

The winner of the bout will immediately claim the hearts, minds, and souls of all Americans, and receive a free subscription to HBO. ** Though Vegas oddsmakers currently have State at five to seven, Church -- raining at St. Patrick's Cathedral -- is clearly unfazed. "My style is reckless, my defense is indomitable, I'm acrimonious," said Church. "I want to eat State's children, as defined by the moment that they are conceived."

** for three months, with digital preferred package