05/14/2013 12:25 pm ET Updated Jul 14, 2013

CNN Begs Justice Department to Steal Its Journalists' Phone Records

In the wake of the Associated Press scandal, CNN has just issued a statement begging the Justice Department to steal phone records from any of its journalists. "We cordially invite Justice officials to take anything it likes from any of our reporters," said CNN spokesperson Adam Krakloss. "You are welcome to seize, but please do not feel limited to: phone records, private notes, emails, diaries, blogs, recipes, family photos, poems, private sex videos, and unfinished screenplays."

The plea to the Justice Department is apparently designed to create sympathy for CNN's news gathering forces, with Krakloss noting, "Since we no longer consider 'records' or 'sources' or 'facts' or 'accuracy' or 'information' to be related to news, we have no fears about anyone taking anything from us." Insiders suspect the plea may also create a fast-breaking story that plays to the greatest strengths of CNN. "If -- and we're keeping our fingers crossed -- the Justice Department does break into our reporters' files," added Krakloss, "We promise to cover the scandal 24 hours a day, with the full measure of conjecture and rumor that we always have at our disposal. Unless, of course, we discover that Dzhokhar Tsanaev liked chicken as much as he liked cheeseburgers or that Jodi Arias got her hair cut. Then, all bets are off."