08/06/2012 04:17 pm ET Updated Oct 06, 2012

CNN Switches to 24-Hour Real Estate Ads Format

Following the resignation of Worldwide president Jim Walton and its lowest ratings in years, CNN announced that it will be switching to a 24-hour real estate ads format. "We will bring the same style of comprehensive, round-the-clock news coverage to the marketing of single family detached and attached housing," says Suzanne Croughleid, CNN Spokesperson and Graveyard Whistler. "And these ads will be presented with all the fearless, hard-hitting gusto that only CNN can provide."

CNN's latest numbers indicate that the network is now viewed predominantly by adult males with Crohn's disease who forgot to turn their televisions off and Long-toed salamanders between the ages of four and eight. The new format would hopefully change this, with on-air personalities like Wolf Blitzer, Anderson Cooper, and Erin Burnett selling ranch style homes, two-car garages, quiet residential living, and condos with whitewater ocean views. Croughleid adds, "Our flotilla of pundits will also be on hand for sizzling debates on home appraisal methods, gas and electric dryer hookups, and bronze fixtures versus chrome."

TV insiders are unsure of whether or not this updated format will help the ailing network but Croughleid optimistically notes, "If the ratings continue to plummet, all of us here at CNN will have a ready-made venue with which to sell our homes."