02/13/2014 03:04 pm ET Updated Apr 15, 2014

Comcast-Time Warner Cable: Don't Worry, New Merger Will Provide Same Shitty Service

Executives at Comcast and Time Warner Cable are assuring millions of subscribers that its potential new merger will in no way affect the shitty service that has become its trademark. "Just because these two corporate giants are coming together does not mean we will stop random blackouts, decrease costs, or attempt any kinds of efficiency that could benefit anyone," said Comcast spokesperson William T. Yalrussen. "That's our promise. That's our guarantee."

Potential future changes include a "Surprise Channel Package," in which customers' access to certain networks will change every hour on the hour, according to a computerized random number generator which will also change billing accounts and promotional prices every hour on the hour; a new customer service center, in which all telephone representatives will be replaced by wiffle balls; and a new "Do Anything To Oppose Us and We Will Squash You Like Cockroaches" bundling service.

"This takeover will enable our teams to screw you in ways we couldn't have dreamed about just a few months ago," said Yalrussen. "Don't like it? Get a pair of rabbit ears."