10/30/2014 01:41 pm ET Updated Dec 30, 2014

Congress Quarantined Until Cure Can Be Found for Its Uselessness

Effectively immediately, all members of Congress have been quarantined until a cure can be found for their complete and utter uselessness. "These elected officials have become a deadly threat to the well-being of American citizens everywhere," says CDC spokesperson Alison Treadreedy. "We had been monitoring the situation for many years but frankly, we couldn't imagine it escalating to current catastrophic levels. Drastic measures had to be taken."

The 535 senators and representatives have been confined to a fumigation tent with no access to toilets, running water, or Gallup Poll results. So far, no one in the country has had any objections and all U.S. airlines have offered members of Congress free one-way tickets to any other country once they are released. "Why the hell wasn't this done sooner?" asks Franklin Delapichot of Frostburg, Maryland.

These carriers have been walking among us for years deliberately spreading their worthlessness, getting paid, doing nothing, getting re-elected, doing nothing--and nobody has lifted a finger to stop them. How much damage has been caused? How many lives will continue to be ruined? Oh, the politically indifferent humanity!

Scientists have been working frantically on a cure before mid-term elections, with researchers at Boston's Institute of Bicameral Immunology recently announcing what they thought might be a successful treatment in lab rats. "Unfortunately, the effect was only temporary," said Dr. Horatio Blixenfritz. "After a few hours of focused activity, the rats returned to normal, then spent even more time raising campaign funds and taking additional vacations."