08/10/2012 01:57 pm ET Updated Oct 10, 2012

Curiosity Rover Discovers Super PACs on Mars

In a history-making discovery, NASA's Curiosity rover has confirmed the existence of super PACs on the planet Mars. "Apparently, the rover has landed during a major political campaign between the Exalted Lord Zenar1 and Xxx, former Consul of the Acheron Fossae," says NASA scientist Mitchell Stendahl. "And according to Martian judicial precedent, corporations and unions can not only make unlimited donations on behalf of either candidate, but they can randomly kidnap and hold families hostage in the polar ice caps and build giant lasers to shoot at other planets."

The Mars rover has been transmitting a series of negative Martian campaign ads back to Earth, including a controversial advertisement by a pro-Zenar1 PAC, which accuses Xxx of sucking the life forces out of Martian babies' tentacles and using them to lower the level of carbon dioxide in the planet's atmosphere. Xxx spokesMartian EminiacF says, "This is another desperate attempt by Zenar1's campaign to distract citizens from his disastrous economic record and the increasing amount of our debt that is currently owned by Saturn." Zenar1 spokesMartian U##Uin calls the Xxx response hypocritical, noting a pro-Xxx PAC ad that continues to claim Xenar1 was born not on Mars but on its moon Deimos.

NASA scientists are still trying to determine by exactly how much Martian super PACs pre-date those on Earth and whether or not their contributions to political speech have been helpful or hurtful. "The current campaign is the meanest I have seen in my 400 years of covering political events on Mars," says Borealis Basin Bugle columnist FleeFl@*L. "We're not called the angry red planet for nothing, you know."