08/15/2011 04:40 pm ET Updated Oct 15, 2011

Debt "Super Committee" Members Deadlocked on Exactly How They Will F**k Things Up

The twelve Republican and Democratic members of the newly appointed deficit reduction "Super Committee" have already reached an impasse, unable to decide which way they will fail to come up with $1.2 to $1.5 trillion in budget savings by November 23rd. "It's unfair to point fingers at Super Committee members this early in the process," said Super Committee spokesperson Arnold Gallworth. "There are so many methods at their disposal to fuck things up that, naturally, it's difficult for them to choose which one will work best."

Insiders reveal the Super Committee began working in earnest to figure out what strategy it would use to explain the inevitable debacle leading to automatic across-the-board cuts. "They wisely bypassed the usual excuses of Republicans not allowing tax increases and Democrats not touching entitlement programs," said writer Natalie Forbrush of Still Hanging By a Thread (i.e., Time Magazine). "The Super Committee agreed that Americans will only tolerate an excuse if it's an unbelievably stupid one." This led to more elaborate ideas involving alien abductions, kidnapping, buried treasure, and giant ghost dogs which could conveniently "appear" and eat the Super Committee's debt reduction plan on November 23rd.

Forbrush reports that the deadlock began when Democratic Senator John Kerry suggested an Internet-spread Jedi mind trick to convince the public that there actually is no debt. Republican Senator Pat Toomey refused that approach and countered with a time travel plan to make sure the debt is never incurred. Forbursh noted, "This line of thinking would, of course, have involved blaming Democrats for not allowing the Super Committee to invent a time machine by November 23rd."

Despite the deadlock, Gallworth is not worried. "I'm sure the Super Committee will arrive at some explanation for utter failure that is ludicrous enough to be acceptable to all Americans. If not, a Super Super Committee will be appointed to come up with an excuse for the Super Committee's failure to come up with an excuse."