09/16/2014 04:58 pm ET Updated Nov 16, 2014

Democrats Will Place President Obama In Suspended Animation Through 2014 Midterm Elections

In an attempt to retain as many seats in Congress as possible, Democrats plan to put President Barack Obama into a state of suspended animation that will last through the 2014 midterm elections. "This will be a big help in battleground states like Louisiana, Arkansas, and North Carolina," said Democratic Hail Mary spokesperson Matthew Wildhett. "It will also be less embarrassing for those Senators and Representatives who normally have to disguise themselves, hide underground, or leave behind life-sized cardboard cut-outs of themselves when the President visits their states."

The process of placing the President in suspended animation will involve a metal compound made of carbon and tibanna gas used to smuggle items or transport people across the galaxy. "He should be quite well protected," says scientist and protocol spokesdroid Anthony C. Threepio. "If he survives the freezing process, that is." The White House insists the President will still be "alive" during this time and as engaged as he has ever been in domestic and foreign policy. "He will be frozen with a pen and a phone in his hands, so his decision-making will be no different than it has been over the past few years," says Wildhett. "And if we keep the Senate, we may leave him this way through 2016."