THE BLOG
01/27/2016 05:55 pm ET Updated Jan 27, 2017

Donald Trump Debates Himself in "No Girls Allowed, Especially Megyn Kelly" Event

After Fox News' refusal to remove anchor Megyn Kelly from the Thursday Presidential debate, GOP frontrunner Donald Trump ran all the way home crying and locked himself in his room, which he has refused to leave. According to eyewitnesses, Trump yelled "It's not fair! It's not fair! It's not fair!" and beat his fists on the ground when he learned of Fox's position. This was followed by Republican candidates Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, and Rand Paul pointing at Trump and shouting, "Donald's scared of a girl!" while Trump replied, "Am not!" and the others retorted, "Are, too! Are, too!"

Friends and family have been trying to lure Trump out of his room with cookies and milk, but to no avail; his wife Melania commented, "He's very sensitive and just needs some quiet time." While in his room, Donald Trump held his own very special "debate" in which the only rule was: "no girls allowed, especially Megyn Kelly." The following is a transcript of that debate:

Donald Trump: Hi, Donald! You sure are a handsome man!

Donald Trump #2: Hi! Thanks!

Donald Trump: How are you feeling?

Donald Trump #2: I'm fine because that stupid Megyn Kelly isn't here!

Donald Trump: She is stupid, isn't she?

Donald Trump #2: Really stupid!

Donald Trump: How stupid is she?

Donald Trump #2: She's stupid times infinity! She thinks she's so big, but she's just a poopyhead! And she smells funny!

Donald Trump: She does smell funny. You know, Donald--you're so smart and tough and everyone loves you. Everyone should be nice to you and you should be able to do whatever you want.

Donald Trump #2: That would be super!

Donald Trump: In fact, you should be President of the United States.

Donald Trump #2: I should be! Then I'll show them all. Especially stupid Megyn Kelly!

Donald Trump: I agree. Gosh, if I wasn't you, I would so vote for you.

Donald Trump #2: You promise?

Donald Trump: Swear to two Corinthians!

Donald Trump #2: Yay!

In a tweet, Donald Trump declared himself the winner of the debate and, thus, automatic President of the United States and the Universe times infinity.