06/26/2013 12:39 pm ET Updated Aug 26, 2013

Edward Snowden Is Staying in My Apartment and He's a Big Jerk

About a month ago, there's a knock at my door and it's some guy named Edward Snowden, who says he needs a place to stay. He seemed all right, so I said, "Sure." Guess what? He's a jerk! The minute the guy moves in, he immediately helps himself to my food without paying, never flushes the toilet and has, like, five laptops going constantly and makes phone calls all night long.

A few days later, I'm watching the news and who do you think is on every show? That's right--Edward. I ask him if all the things they're saying about him are true and he starts crying like a little girl: "Everyone's after me! Everyone hates me! Please don't throw me out! I'm good! I'm good! Waaaah!" I said, "Okay, okay, you can stay a little longer. Just quit whining!"

One night, I get home from work and there's a party in my living room. There must be fifty people drinking and dancing and in the middle of it all, Edward and Julian Assange are snorting coke off hookers' stomachs. I order everyone to go home but Julian and Edward turn on the waterworks. "We just want to help the world! No one understands us! Waaaah!" Fine. I go to my room and put in earplugs while some Chinese acrobats arrived.

A few days later, I wake up to find Vladimir Putin with Edward and Julian and they seem to be injecting Fidel Castro with embalming fluid. "That's the last straw!" I yell. Just then, a knock at my door. I open it and there's John Kerry. He says, "If you're hiding Edward Snowden in there, you really should tell me because if you don't, I'll be kinda mad."

I turn around and Vladimir, Edward and Julian look at me with the biggest, saddest kitty eyes ever. (Vladimir's kitty eyes were the biggest and saddest.) I say to Kerry, "I don't know what you're talking about." And Kerry says, "Okay," then leaves, scratching his head. Vladimir, Edward and Julian say how grateful they are, blah blah blah, and then Vladimir and Julian start speaking to each other in Russian. They giggle and I just knew they were talking about me!

I don't know how much longer I can take this. I'll give it about five more years.