Following months of speculation, God has endorsed Edward Brimball, a resident of Shaker Heights, Ohio, as president of the United States. "God would like to see Edward Brimball as commander in chief," said Pete, a spokesangel for God. "Edward is kind, he's smart, he gets things done, and he's the type of person with whom God would like to have a beer, if God could assume corporeal form and drink beer."
Brimball, a 45-year-old accountant and father of two, was surprised by the news of God's endorsement. "I'm very flattered," he told reporters. "Especially since I haven't voted in the last three elections. Also, I'm an agnostic and this endorsement doesn't change my doubts about God." When asked if the news has affected Brimball in any way, Edward's wife Stacy replied, "Not at all. In fact, I keep telling him to add 'Endorsed by God' on his business cards for the tax season, but he just won't listen."
Republican presidential contenders Rick Santorum, Mitt Romney, and Newt Gingrich -- who had vigorously lobbied for God's endorsement -- have tried to meet with Brimball to see if he might be interested in a vice presidential slot. "I really don't want to run for any kind of political office," said Brimball. "Quite frankly, the thought of it sickens me." When asked why God would endorse someone like Brimball who questions His own existence and has no intention of running for president, spokesangel Pete responded, "That is exactly why God endorsed him."