06/06/2013 01:02 pm ET Updated Aug 06, 2013

Government Offers Verizon Bundling Package to Steal Your Information Three Times as Fast

The Obama Administration is offering a brand new bundling service to American citizens through Verizon that is guaranteed to steal your personal information at three times the normal speed. "Right now, we've just been concentrating on your phone calls," says White House Transparency Czar Hank Illium. "Now, we're working with Verizon to make sure we access your computers and what you watch on TV, too. It's a sweet deal!"

Although critics complain that this is a dangerous leap from the phone records collected by the National Security Agency, Illium says, "It's important to protect the nation from terrorist threats by reviewing all the porn sites you visit and how many times you watch Breaking Amish." Illium adds, "Besides -- total invasion of your privacy is a small price to pay when we're talking a two-year guarantee with waived activation fee, and HBO and Cinemax 50 percent off for six months."