09/17/2013 03:26 pm ET Updated Nov 10, 2013

Have a Problem? Call 1-800 P-U-T-I-N

Are you having problems with leaky pipes? Are you stuck in a dead-end, go-nowhere job? Is your cat disobedient? Are chemical weapons from an insane dictator threatening unwanted military intervention from the United States? Then just call Russian President Vladimir Putin! No matter what the emergency, big or small, Vladimir Putin will help save the day! But, don't just take our word for it. Listen to just some of our satisfied customers...

"My computer kept freezing and I didn't know what to do," says Mike Fellaport of Anchorage, Alaska. "That's when Vladimir Putin came in, helped increase boot-up performance and gave me valuable tips on storage space. Thank you, Vladimir Putin!" Says Syrian President Bashar Assad, "I was having some domestic squabbles in my country and being threatened with American aggression until Vladimir Putin stepped in and saved my hide -- with no questions asked! Thank you, Vladimir Putin!"

So, don't wait for national or international action that will never happen. Call 1-800 P-U-T-I-N! That's 1-800 P-U-T-I-N! Se habla Español!