05/23/2013 09:38 am ET Updated Jul 23, 2013

Internal Revenue Service Given Power to Use Drone Attacks

In a startling policy announcement, the Obama administration has given the Internal Revenue Service complete power over drone attacks used in this country. "Desperate economic times call for desperate revenue earning measures," said IRS Brigadier General Malcolm "Quarterly Estimates" Holstum. "But no one should be alarmed, particularly groups with whom we disagree politically, wink wink, nudge nudge."

Although some political insiders question the new policy, Holstum brushed doubts aside by saying, "Come on -- like you didn't see this coming?" The White House has been quick to downplay the Constitutional implications of the drone move, with spokesperson Terry Ullkopp noting, "We are simply making tax collection more efficient by shifting control of unmanned strikes from the military to the IRS. And who knows better how to wield total unfettered power than the IRS?"

A special committee to determine how to best implement any future drone strikes will be headed by Lois Lerner, IRS Special Forces Director of Targeted Organizations. When asked how this committee will function, Ms. Lerner read from Longfellow's "The Song of Hiawatha," then fell to the floor, spinning in circles in a fashion resembling the late Curly Howard.

NOTE: This piece is satirical. All quotations are fabrications for the purpose of satire.