12/04/2010 05:33 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Magical Cornfield Burns Down, Millions Without Place to Wish Things Into

The famed Peaksville, Ohio cornfield, which provided a safe haven for people to wish unwanted things into, has burned down. "It all happened so fast," says Gregory Turnbull, the devastated owner of the 50-acre field which had been in his family for generations. "I tried to wish the fire away into another cornfield but, apparently, it just doesn't work like that."

Fire crews were called in to contain the blaze, but they could not combat the flames, which were being driven by high winds and a wish-to-field occupancy ratio that had reached critical mass. "There were simply too many bad things in that cornfield--very bad things," said firefighter Jett Fulcrow. "They all had to go up sooner or later."

The fire released all the contents that had been wished into the cornfield over the years, resulting in the reappearance of countless relatives, ex-lovers, water-powered cars, and a host of personal, political, and metaphysical constructs which took the form of dark, foreboding clouds. Dan Hollis, whose head had been grafted onto a jack-in-the-box almost 50 years ago, said, "I've got a lot of catching up to do."

Turnbull insists he will not replant the cornfield, but many others hope he changes his mind. "We are willing to help Mr. Turnbull in any way possible," said Department of Agriculture spokesperson Harriet Wolfson. "We need that cornfield back immediately. Without it, how else will any of us be able to wish 2010 away?"