09/28/2012 11:58 am ET Updated Nov 28, 2012

Media Officially Calls Election for Obama, Will Devote October to Coverage of Jimmy Hoffa

With just about a month left until the 2012 Presidential election, news networks and media outlets have officially announced Barack Obama as the overwhelming winner over former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney. "There's really no point left in continuing any coverage of this election," said CNN spokesperson Shane McFlavin. "I mean, seriously, have you looked at the polls? Because there sure are a lot of them and that's good enough for us."

With the exception of Fox News, all media reporters will fill in the time originally allotted to the election with coverage devoted to the possible unearthing of former Teamsters President Jimmy Hoffa from a home in Roseville, Michigan. "This is a story that deserves our absolute and undivided attention," says NBC News Director Florinda Yateborough. "Already, Democrats and Republicans are attempting to politicize the ethics behind examining soil samples that could prove Mr. Hoffa was buried there and that is an issue that must be addressed 24 hours a day."

The actual presidential election scheduled for November 6 will continue as planned, although the election news shutdown may impact voter turnout. Says McFlavin, "Just because we're saying Obama has decisively and spectacularly won a second term should not stop people from casting their votes, yadda yadda yadda, democracy, blah blah blah." In the unlikely case that Romney wins? "Oh, we'll get around to acknowledging it. Hey -- that's why pencils have erasers, huh?"

NOTE: This piece is satirical. All quotations are fabrications for the purpose of satire.