07/14/2014 06:16 pm ET Updated Sep 13, 2014

Mind Control Rays Are Switched Off -- Americans Can Return to Ignoring Soccer

Moments after Germany's 1-0 World Cup victory over Argentina, the international mind control rays aimed at the United States were officially turned off, allowing millions of Americans to once again ignore soccer as usual. "We've had a very, very successful run through June and July," said Oly Enrique Ferbertsson III, President of Cultural Hypnosis Conglomerate, Inc. "Until Russia in 2018, we'll turn our attention to the continued brainwashing of U.S. citizens into liking other things they shouldn't, such as kale and Wes Anderson movies."

Most Americans came out of their soccer enthusiasm-induced states not clearly remembering events that transpired and feeling somewhat confused. "The whole thing seems like a bad dream," said Marisa Pavlovia of Shreveport, Louisiana. "I couldn't understand why I was watching game after game of the World Cup because it's so goddamned boring, but everyone else seemed to be doing it, too. It also explains why I thought I liked Google's relentless soccer doodles." A shaken and tearful Henry Gibleystone of Eugene, Oregon said, "I just want to take a shower and feel clean again."