11/28/2012 03:13 pm ET Updated Jan 28, 2013

Egyptian President Morsi Declares Himself Master of Space, Time and Dimension

Following the decree which gave him sweeping political powers in Egypt last week, President Mohamed Morsi has now declared himself Master of Space, Time, and Dimension. "The President's ability to command space, time, and dimension will provide stability for Egypt," said Morsi spokesperson Mazen Elhaddad at a press conference this morning. "Also, it enables the President to travel forward and backward in time and change the course of human events, which you have to admit is really cool."

In addition to traveling through and shaping history, Morsi's command of space, time, and dimension also includes his ability to change shapes, walk through walls, freeze people and move them into embarrassing poses, repeat Groundhog Day as many times as he wishes, and watch 3-D movies without special glasses. In response to protesters who have criticized Morsi's decision, Elhaddad said, "The President has turned his flesh into a hard rubber compound, upon which all criticisms bounce off, returning to the protesters and permanently sticking to them as though the protesters were made of glue, which they now are."

During the press conference, the large, translucent face of Jor-El appeared, warning it is forbidden to interfere with the course of human history. Morsi then appeared in a homemade cape with an "M" hastily sewed into it. He yelled, "I must save Lois Lane!" and fell to the ground after attempting to fly. Elhaddad commented, "He meant to do that."