09/29/2015 07:21 pm ET Updated Sep 29, 2016

NASA Confirms Discovery of Water Theme Park on Mars

Using images from the Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter, NASA scientists have confirmed the discovery of a water theme park on the planet Mars. "The roughly two-square-mile area known as Six Flags Olympus Mons apparently provided an assortment of exciting rides and Martian family entertainment," said researcher Helmut Richtaffler. "Our best guess is that the entire facility was abandoned when season passes became progressively more expensive, followed by a disastrous expansion into Euro-Six Flags Olympus Mons."

In addition, scientists say the Orbiter's HiRISE camera shows evidence of the crystallized bodies of young and old Martians waiting outside Echus Chasma of Death, a popular super slide attraction which required a special E-ticket. "There is no doubt that those Martians perished while waiting to get on the ride," says professor Irwin Lafferdean of the Institute of Interplanetary Amusement. "Can even advanced species survive the quest for reasonably-priced fun for all ages? I don't know. Damn it, I just don't know."