08/08/2013 12:08 pm ET Updated Oct 08, 2013

New York Times Sold to Eight-Year-Old Boy for Magic Beans

In a statement released this morning, The New York Times revealed it has been sold to Timmy Bracknell, an eight-year-old boy in Duluth, Minnesota, for a handful of beans which are said to possess "magical qualities." Henry T. Cowslip, a spokesperson for Times publisher Arthur Sulzberger, Jr., said, "It was between that and the kid who offered us the fruit roll-up. We're comfortable with our decision."

Following its sale of The Boston Globe, The Times held out as long as it could against a declining market, but Bracknell assured The New York Times Company that the magical beans will eventually grow into a giant stalk and lead the company's board, senior management and employees to untold treasures and riches. Said Cowslip, "We're confident in the future and really not in any position to question Mr. Bracknell."

Bracknell, currently in the third grade at Don LaFontaine Elementary, was vague about his plans for the venerable publication, noting only that he would replace the editorial page with "stuff" and immediately "increase dinosaur coverage."