11/07/2013 11:36 am ET Updated Jan 23, 2014

NFL Is Officially Shocked -- Shocked -- That Some Players Act Like Assholes

In a statement released today, the National Football League has expressed its utter bewilderment and confusion over the fact that some of its players act like complete assholes. "We are shocked -- I repeat, shocked -- at this kind of behavior on or off the field," said NFL Apologist Brad Hackerflynn. "How grown men -- men who are paid millions of dollars to knock each other down on a weekly basis for the delectation of millions of fans -- can act like this is simply beyond us."

The NFL offered assurances that bold steps have already been taken to investigate and remedy this problem that includes the unfolding controversy about suspended Miami Dolphins guard Richie Incognito. "Just yesterday, members of the NFL and the Players Association met, looked at each other while wringing their hands, then slowly nodded their heads, so as to indicate their dismay with the situation," says Hackerflynn. "If necessary, even more drastic measures may be taken in the days to come."

Sports analyst Reggie Tummeler added, "How can we support a culture that produces and celebrates such assholes?" Tummeler then interviewed offensive tackle Larry "Deathblow" Walldorf for his new video game "My Cleats, Your Face."

NOTE: This piece is satirical. All quotations are fabrications for the purpose of satire.