05/21/2014 10:57 am ET Updated Jul 20, 2014

Obama: I Just Found Out I'm President by Reading the Paper

As the Veterans Administration scandal continues, President Obama revealed he just found out this morning that he is President of the United States by reading the newspaper. "The president was enjoying the latest adventures of Marmaduke when he accidentally looked at the news section and discovered that he is Commander in Chief," says White House spokesperson Alan Killichgarden. "He normally avoids the news and world section and the editorial pages, so imagine his surprise."

What the president had been doing for the previous five-and-a-half years, or why he was living in the White House, is unclear but Killichgarden insists, "Past, schmast. What's important is that the president now knows he is the president and he'll take things from there as president."

White House adviser Ronald Holcropp said the president is particularly mad as hell about the Veterans scandal. "Various medical professionals were brought in to rearrange the president's facial features to indicate his extreme displeasure," he indicated, "And his willingness to consider firing someone who is already set for retirement."

"It's as angry as I've ever seen him as president," said Holcropp. "Which, of course, is since this morning. When he found out. About being president. Through the paper."