06/02/2014 01:26 pm ET Updated Aug 02, 2014

Obama Replaces Eric Shinseki With Gwyneth Paltrow

President Obama has announced that he will be replacing outgoing Veteran Affairs Secretary Eric Shinseki with Academy Award-winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow. "There is no person in the country today who understands the tragic and complex effects of war better than her," said White House spokesperson Antoine LaFoisgrah. "Ms. Paltrow's harrowing experiences in combating Internet criticism will certainly be invaluable when it comes to helping our own combat veterans."

Political insiders suspect the choice of Ms. Paltrow is a deliberate attempt to provide fresh new leadership for the Veterans Administration. "And if she ever needs any help," said LaFoisgrah, "She can call on her friend Iron Man." When it was pointed out that Iron Man is a fictional comic book character, LaFoisgrah added, "Ms. Paltrow's ability to make us believe she knows Iron Man is what the VA so desperately needs. She's just that good."