10/30/2013 05:09 pm ET Updated Dec 30, 2013

Obama Vacates His Plastic Bubble, Moves Into Geodesic Dome

President Barack Obama has recently vacated his protective plastic bubble and moved into a much larger and more secure geodesic dome. "The President's occupation of the dome should not be interpreted in any way as his continuing to be disengaged from recent events," says White House spokesperson/reality buffer Terry Ullkopp. "In fact, he would like citizens of the United States and the world to know that he is absolutely, positively on top of a certain percentage of things that occur at least half the time, as we think his schedule and interest permit."

Captain X **, a high-ranking source, reports that Obama briefly came out of the plastic bubble so aides could tell him just how much he actually knew about the problem-riddled ObamaCare rollout and the NSA spying on foreign leaders. Once he was out in the open, he panicked and "cried like a little girl" before running back inside the bubble. There, Captain X reports that the President crawled into a fetal position, rocking back and forth until government officials decided to move him into the current dome. Presidential Daily Planner Helen Raffaloo explained, "Compared to the bubble, the dome provides a much more comfortable environment for the President to avoid knowing what he shouldn't have to know, assuming he did or didn't know those things already which he didn't, though he might have. Or not."

Ullkopp assures us that Obama will be continually briefed on things he should be briefed on while inside the dome, adding, "Trust us -- the times in which the President doesn't know what's going on will really, really make you appreciate the times in which he actually does know."

** not his real name