11/15/2013 12:22 pm ET Updated Jan 23, 2014

White House Tries Boosting Obamacare Numbers, Releases Airborne Pathogens Which Target Young People

In an attempt to increase the number of people who sign up for new health insurance plans covered by the Affordable Care Act, the White House has announced it is releasing deadly airborne pathogens into the environment that specifically target the healthy, younger American citizens needed to enroll in Obamacare. "We're just gently nudging younger people into seeing how beneficial the new health care system is," says Health and Human Services/Biological Havoc spokesperson Alan Kollop. "We feel this is much more direct than silly ad campaigns, plus it reminds kids out there that they are not immortal."

The pathogens will affect young people between the ages of 15 to 30 and result in immediate weight loss, diarrhea, steroid dementia syndrome, brain seizures, heart attacks, and yellowish tongue coating. Says scientist Herbert von Jakhallaritz, "If that doesn't get those young punks into the insurance pool, nothing will." It is unclear whether government scientists had begun working on the pathogens after the October 1st rollout or if they had been part of the larger Obamacare plan all along. "To be honest, we haven't really told the insurance companies about this yet," says Kollop. "But, we think they'll be able to see the bigger picture and happily jump onboard when millions upon millions of desperate, once robust but now gravely ill people besiege them for help."

The New York Times immediately supported the measure, referring to the deadly pathogens as "promisingly correct diseases" and adding, "The President had us at whatever he said."