THE BLOG
10/22/2014 04:07 pm ET Updated Dec 22, 2014

Parents Charged With Hate Crimes for Giving Rocks to Charlie Brown on Halloween

November 1 - Dozens of parents in a local town were arrested and charged with hate crimes for giving rocks as "treats" to a boy named Charlie Brown on Halloween night. "Evidence indicates that the parents deliberately planned to give this boy rocks," said officer Tanis McBrannister, who received a call from Mr. Brown explaining what had happened while alternately yelling "Rats!" and loudly sighing into the phone. "It may be related to his multiple-eyehole ghost costume or his strange hairstyle or his disturbing air of melancholy."

According to the official report, Mr. Brown got tired of repeatedly getting rocks from all the houses he visited year after year while other children in the neighborhood got cookies, chocolate bars, popcorn balls, gum, and even quarters. McBrannister explains:

There is no question he was being singled out for focused Halloween-related discriminatory harassment. At one house, Lucy van Pelt, a neighbor of Mr. Brown's, received extra candy for her brother Linus who was unable to trick or treat because he was sitting in a pumpkin patch. But, Mr. Brown still got a rock. It's fortunate that he did not actually consume any of the rocks although, of course, that would be no worse than eating candy corn or Mary Janes.

The name of the town and the identities of the parents involved are being withheld but most of the neighborhood children describe Mr. Brown as a frequent target of humiliation. "That blockhead! He can't do anything!" screamed Ms. van Pelt. "The least he could have done was break some windows with the rocks he got, but he can't even channel his anger right! AAGGHHH!!" Brown's younger sister Sally commented, "You'd think he would be used to all this by now. He should be more like Linus, my sweet babboo." (Mr. van Pelt denies being Ms. Brown's sweet babboo.)

When asked for a statement, all of the parents responded in strange, incomprehensible noises that resembled trombones being played with plunger mutes.