11/05/2014 12:09 pm ET Updated Jan 05, 2015

Post-Election Moans From Democrats Causing Earth's Orbit to Decay

Scientists warn that continued moans from Democrats in reaction to Republican mid-term election victories are causing the Earth's orbit to rapidly decay. "The loud, relentless sound waves are blasting holes in the planet's magnetic field and spinning us closer to the sun," says Dr. Hans Leekum of the Significant Institute of Sound and Fury, while covering his ears. "Imagine the aural equivalent of a dying dog and a car alarm combined with the chanting from Eyes Wide Shut, then multiply it by about ten billion."

Despite repeated pleas for calm, the ferocity of the Democrats' wailing continues unabated. "The decibel levels are increasing geometrically with each passing hour, especially from Arkansas, Iowa, and North Carolina," says Center For Post-Election Noise Control (CPENC) official Agnes Dartrell. CPENC volunteers have been administering sedatives to particularly distraught Democrats or offering them fluffy pillows into which at least some of their anguished cries can be muffled. Dartrell adds, "Seeing them in the streets, on their backs, mouths open, pawing at the air like Gregor Samsa--it's just the saddest thing."

In related news, the Democrats' powerful moans have been heard beyond the Earth. "We just received the first-ever alien transmission, from the Phoenix Dwarf Galaxy," says Dr. Julius Tealwrey. "Roughly translated, the message reads: 'Shut the f*ck up.'"